Background Information
The directee (“Kurt”) and myself have known each other for about six years. Kurt is in his late 30’s, single, and struggles in relationships and corporate settings. He is diagnosed with ADHD and struggles with personal relationships and authority figures, which is in part because of that neurodivergent type. Organized religion can be a burden to him at times but he is interested in and seeks out spiritual growth despite his disillusionment with the Church. Our relationship stems from a previous pastoral assignment and we maintain contact approximately every month and a half.
In this particular instance we had touched base approximately a week before via text to check in and he asked me to pray for him because of some personal issues. I agreed that I would and then I made a point to follow up with him a week later.
The conversation happened over a video connection due to our distance apart from each other.
Verbatim
J: Hey Kurt, how are you doing today?
K: About the same, still feeling down and confused
J: That stinks man, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve been praying for you, would you like to pray right now before we continue on?
K: Sure
J: Ok, I’ll offer a prayer and then whenever you’re ready you can say amen or just start talking
I offer a brief prayer, thanking God for God’s presence with us and that our conversation would draw us towards God and towards each other in relationship.
After a brief pause, approximately 5 seconds or less, K says Amen.
J: So what’s been going on? Anything in particular or typical millennial stuff?
K: Just turned in my keys to the building, I’m done. I hate that I know this was coming when he (new pastor at his church) got hired and it was inevitable.
I wait for a moment understanding what he is saying and he continues on
K: So thought maybe you might have some input that I would value on this. I am either deconstructing really hard again or I’m thinking about resigning my membership in the Church of the Nazarene. The church doesn’t look like the church I came up in anymore and it doesn’t look like a church I can invite my friends to or that I even necessarily want to claim my own membership in. I haven’t really talked to anyone about this yet.
J: Sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I pause for a few seconds to process his thoughts and to think about how to continue What drives you away from this church do you think?
K: I get so frustrated at PJ (the senior pastor at the church he attends) because he doesn’t like to anything I say, he changes his mind on things all of the time, there is no accountability for people, he doesn’t support me. I’ve tried meeting with him to express my concerns and he barely listens. So many people have started coming to this church that are hardcore “Trumpers” and they all pretend to care about people but then they act stuck up like they can do no wrong.
J: I pause because I can tell he’s getting worked up It seems like there are a whole bunch of things from disrespect, accountability, and sour attitudes of attendees. Earlier you mentioned that you were speaking of resigning your membership…does that mean from your local church or the Church of the Nazarene as a whole?
K: Both.
J: So this is bigger than the local church?
K: Yes, I’m struggling to be aligned with the Nazarene Church because of it’s stances on LGBTQ issues and all of the Trump stuff I see from people in the church. Like…we’re supposed to be welcoming to all of these people but we don’t act like it.
J: Is that part of the reason you think you couldn’t bring your friends around?
K: Kind of, but also look at this church, it’s all people who are getting older and the look the same, and then you go to district assembly it’s just more old white people.
J: It can be quite the homogenous group.
K: Exactly!
J: Well if you left your current congregation, where would you think about going? Have you begun to look around yet?
K: I found a church I’m gonna try. They meet on Mondays, which is nice for my schedule. And they meet on discord for people who are out of town. They’re in Michigan. They’re called nerd Church and instead of worship music they have worship game time Where everybody gets together and plays ticket to ride or whatever other games they want to play and then they transitioned into a message and you know more traditional service. I was reading up on them and last year‘s mission trip was in Indianapolis, where they handed out bottles of water to players and ministered to the Homeless in Indianapolis and had a whole team whose job it was to meet people who had late games in buildings that weren’t their hotel and walk them to their hotel safely. Really seems like my jam.
J: That does seem more like something you’d be interested in. Let’s connect after you’ve given it a try so I can hear more about it.
K: Sounds good.
J: Let me pray before we head out here:
I offer a prayer of thanksgiving for our time together and wisdom and discernment as Kurt takes a new next step
Summary
I was surprised at how little I spoke (even though it was really tempting). I found that Kurt needed someone to talk to openly and freely that would inherently “get it” without having to feel judged and I can relate because if I get asked the right question I will open up pretty freely, even more so with people who are genuinely curios.
I wonder if I had given more time of silence between the beginning and the ending prayers we could have rested in the presence of God even more.
Supervision Reflection
What was helpful or not helpful in the supervision process
Having a hard and fast stop time was very helpful because it forced me to pick the most important parts of the conversation to highlight and my responses. I also thought it was helpful to not have to rehash the entire conversation because I could share my reflections on the conversation itself as well as my observations and challenges. That practice allowed freer reign for my peers to observe my own spiritual insights, or what I may have missed as an individual.
John commented about the millennial reference in terms of woes and it helped me to understand better why I use such language. Is what I'm saying helpful and connecting to the directee?
I also appreciated Colin's reflections, because even though I know he was exhausted, in many ways his reflections had a different lens picking up on different areas of the process.
I also feel I had a huge advantage going the very last because everyone's questions were much more mature from the first observation. The questions and comments were aimed at my experience and in terms of wonderment. It can feel a bit cold that this conversation was an instrument of my spiritual growth, but it does offer a level of detachment to gain clearer insights.
Finally, not having to answer any questions or respond with any thoughts for the time after I shared was so beneficial to me because it allowed me to hear my interaction from new perspective, not looking to provide answers or justifications, rather observations.
What you learned about yourself as a spiritual guide
I learned that pausing is crucial to letting the space between the person, myself, and the spiritual develop. It was commented many times about my pauses in the conversation being beneficial, and I agree 100%. But what that means for me is I still have a lot of work to do that for myself and to do that at all times. In other words, my intentional practice still needs to work towards an inherent characteristic of my person.
I also learned that it takes even more effort to allow space when you know the situation outside of the person. It required a lot of setting aside to seek God in the situation instead of just listening.
What you plan to do differently going forward.
I plan on acknowledging some of the weird transitions at some point in the meeting. For example, the quick amen after the opening prayer. Maybe not at that moment, but certainly making a connection as I heard the cadence and speed in which "Kurt" was unloading. I think it was Sharon or John who said something along the lines "don't you just want to tell them to breath?"
Also, I would like to set some of the time parameters up front as it provides the pauses to exist without any hurriedness or wondering if there is an end to our time together (or not). Expectations helped me enter into the spiritual director space, I think it can only serve to helpful when entering into meetings with others.